This book has been recommended by various Japanese variety shows and is considered one of the books that middle and high school teachers most want to recommend to their students. Human relationships in Japanese society can be depressing, and this book primarily uses schools as examples to analyze and explain many of the causes that create pressure in communication and social interaction.

The writing style of this book is somewhat academic, and some parts feel like taking a language test for job hunting activities (laughs). However, I strongly agree with the viewpoints in the book. Whether in friendships or romantic relationships, the sense of distance between people and awareness of “the other” is easily overlooked, yet it’s one of the most important aspects of human interaction.

The book has dedicated chapters analyzing interpersonal relationship issues in educational settings and parent-child relationships in family settings. Since these target Japan-specific social issues and lack universality, this reading note will skip summarizing those parts. If you’re interested, you can find this book on Amazon.

# Two Types of Human Relationships

1. Creating relationships with others for personal gain. The purpose isn’t the relationship itself but something external, such as wanting to make money through relationships or advance in career through connections.
2. Relationships where the connection itself is the purpose. This includes enjoyable companionship, like-minded friends, family relationships like parent-child bonds - relationships that transcend considerations of gain and loss. Of course, these two types aren’t mutually exclusive; most relationships in real life are a combination of both. However, in this book, to study the essence of human relationships, it’s necessary to conceptually distinguish between these two types.

# One Can Live Alone, But Solitude is Void

Everyone can define happiness in their own way. However, when extracting the essence of happiness from various forms, the book distills two “triggers.”

## “Self-fulfillment”

This can also be called “self-realization.” The simplest manifestation is the word “vocation.”

In English, “vocation” is “calling” - meaning “the talent given by heaven, calling you to exercise your abilities in this field.”

Many people spend their whole lives unable to find their vocation, but if you discover a profession you’re naturally good at, or a field where you can leverage your strengths, that can be considered finding the happiness trigger of “self-fulfillment.”

## “Interaction with Others”

“Interaction” itself can bring joy.

Interaction with others is also an important theme explored in this book. Here, the concept of “interaction” refers not just to verbal communication, but more to the human connections mentioned earlier where the relationship itself is the purpose.

For example, in romantic relationships, if you like someone, you find joy in doing anything with them - even just meeting once or listening to them talk can bring happiness.

Similarly, when you’re with a very like-minded friend, you might be in the same room where your friend is watching TV while you’re playing guitar - even without speaking (verbal communication in the general sense), you can experience a sense of happiness from “interaction” (as defined in the book) just by sharing the same time and space.

The joy of being recognized by others.

This joy is difficult to replace with anything else. For instance, being praised at work with comments like “you’ve been such a great help” or “you did great in front of the client today” - this joy comes from having your actions and very existence recognized by others in social relationships.

When this can be achieved together with the aforementioned “self-fulfillment” - that is, when you’re doing work you’re good at in a place that suits you and receiving generally high recognition from others or society - this can be said to be the most pleasurable moment with the highest degree of happiness.

# “The Other” — “People Other Than Oneself”

The term “the other” can often be replaced with “other people,” but there are subtle differences between the two.

“Other people” carries a sense of indifference to relationships and includes negative, passive emotions towards relationships; however, “the other” refers to an objective concept - people other than oneself who have different ways of thinking and feeling.

Others can be divided into two types: “unfamiliar others” and “familiar others.”

Unfamiliar others.

In this case, “the other” can basically be replaced with “other people.”

Familiar others.

While this isn’t an everyday term, understanding this concept is very important. “Although I know this person and we’re close, they are still ’the other.'”

How should we understand this statement?

Here we need to introduce another concept, “heterogeneity.” No matter how similar your interests are or how trustworthy the other person is, they still hold different values and feelings.

This “heterogeneity” can be said to be the major premise in all human relationships.

You might feel this premise is somewhat cold and impersonal. However, ask yourself - if you’re obsessed with thoughts like “they must understand my thinking” or “we’ll always be spiritually connected,” aren’t you becoming arrogant by ignoring the other person’s individual existence and only considering yourself?

When such thinking becomes extreme, it turns into stalker-like obsessive behavior. The thought pattern of stalkers is their inability to accept the other person’s “otherness” (the fact or essence that the other person is an other), turning them into tools for projecting their own thoughts and emotional feelings.

# Rule Relationships and Empathy Relationships

When considering interpersonal relationships in various situations, organizations, and groups, relationships can be divided into “rule relationships” and “empathy relationships” for analysis.

Rule relationships.

These are relationships where minimum rules must be followed when coexisting with others. Using education as an example, schools and classes are interpersonal relationships based on following basic rules.

Empathy relationships.

These involve sharing common emotions and feelings, engaging in activities with the same spirit (the Japanese word used here is “nori,” which is difficult to translate precisely…).

For example, in educational settings, many schools’ interpersonal education for students emphasizes “we share the same thoughts and values, cry together and laugh together, we are a closely connected class.”

However, many people overlook that building empathy relationships requires a foundation of rule relationships. Without considering “rules,” constantly emphasizing “we must maintain harmonious relationships” can make people more miserable. Using the school example above, the thought that “I must maintain good relationships, I can’t be antisocial” can also be a trigger for school bullying.

# From Homogeneity to Coexistence, From Empathy to “Other” Awareness

## Interacting with “Different” Others

In high school and college, there’s considerable empathy between students, and even between students and teachers. It’s easy to form small groups with homogeneous qualities, where students can self-integrate within these closed circles.

(Although many teachers only see the surface appearance of “these students get along well,” they don’t realize this might be a sign of the breakdown of good relationships in the larger organization, and within these closed groups, there might be individuals forcing themselves to fit in to avoid bullying.)

However, after graduating and entering society, you inevitably have to interact with people from different generations, those with completely different worldviews, different backgrounds, and different nationalities. At this point, if you only interact with people who share your “empathy,” you’re only cornering yourself. Therefore, recognizing others’ “otherness” and “heterogeneity” early on is essential for maintaining “social relationships.”

## Friend Fantasy

• “There must be someone in this world who understands me 100 percent and is willing to accept me completely” - this is a kind of fantasy about friendship.

• Even if your friend could share 100 percent of your values, they are still “the other.” Treating your friend as another version of yourself in the world, or as your avatar, is merely a fantasy, and it effectively ignores the other person’s independent personality as an individual being.

• Don’t have excessive expectations of others. Only by maintaining the awareness that “no matter how close I am to someone, I need to maintain a trust relationship based on them being ’the other’” can friendships exist in a healthy cycle.